Bag of coal, box of chocolates and a can of beer signed with Love

What do you think when you find a sparkly, Metallicy, silvery bag with a black bag of coal that says on the wrapper, (being naughty never tasted so good), box of chocolates and a can of beer signed with Love? What does each gift mean individually or given as a group? Am I overthinking or a bit paranoid? A woman knows; her inner knowing knows. So what do you think? When confronted all that was said was I don’t know who it’s from ; the silence, crickets all day. Silence speaks loudly.

Guess who’s moving to Texas. One set of 24 years to my ex-husband and the last 24 years to my ex-boy/man friend. The next 24 will be for me to discover my purpose other than motherhood and serve my mom and family in Texas. Hopefully my children will come to live or visit. Maybe I’ll see them more once I leave. B

Lord, I know I’m worthy of love and being loved, adored and served. I just made 2 bad choices. Heal my heart, mind, body and soul. Help me to get through this transition and restoration to be all I was born to be.

Well it’s been 2 full days now and not a peep, chirp or crickets; silence is telling. The truth will set us both free. I feel sad today; like I’ve lost a friend. The truth is I’ve been a better friend to him than he ever has to me. Six week work trip and came back without even a gift or card; only nothing.

Third day without a peep, text, phone call or whisper. Only crickets. Well, then, crickets would be louder. I walked alone today. Shared on kingdom seekers. I was on the Challenge Secrets Workshop from 11-7 only to not spend another $5k. Spending more money won’t guarantee success without actually doing the work it takes to run a challenge. It’s time to man up and get it done. I’ve got less than $30 in my bank account. And a man who has plenty between stocks and cash and no credit card bills that is cheaper than 2 Pennie’s that can’t run together.

Today I feel a heavy feeling in my heart. But I’m feeling more angry. I want to say Jack Ass but that wouldn’t be very Christian ease.

I sat for about 5 minutes and nothing. He said nothing. Just quiet nothing. The strangest things I’ve ever seen and not heard. He has nothing to say. And I just go to bed. Now it’s 4:44 am on May 27, 2023; Memorial Day weekend. I will remember what we did have; what we didn’t have and wasted years; tying your pony to the wrong post. Still no card, no gift. No words to explain or try to convince me otherwise.

Well, after working 1-8 today; skipped Rita’s water ice and sitting at the river with the sunset; came home. Poured a glass of wine and the door opens. In walks Mr Nick and he puts his back pak down and gets his Bp pills out then walks to bathroom. I wait then go into my room.

Well, today’s day 5 without a peep, whimper or some sign of caring enough to say something or anything or some kind of emotion. Nothing. Nothing. Dead zone. I’ve entered the twilight zone where nothing makes sense. A so called lover and a best friend turned room mate over last 8 years; has reversed with time wasted and not coming back from this time. There are givers and takers. Winners and losers. Lovers and haters. Forgivers and wreckers. Truthers and Liars.

Help me Lord to let it go and move on with dignity and love.

Today is Sunday and day 6. I got up early; tried to go back to sleep but couldn’t so went to river to walk 3.7 miles. The college rowers were racing. I got pics with Texas team fans and rowers. Go Texas.

Scheduled to work today on Sunday after not supposed to work. Continuing to tell mgr not to schedule me on Sunday. Got permission from HR to NOT work. Disrespectful and ignored; scheduled me to work all weekend days from Thursday through Monday. Not cool.

Got a text from Mr. Nick about do we have grill on steps? REALLY???? He’s ridiculous and a jack ass. He hijacked my life. I want my life back and without him. I feel sad, sick and food has lost its flavor. I had kids meal with Mac n cheese and couldn’t taste any cheese.

Still day 6 without an explanation, a plea or ask forgiveness. Not even a care about my feelings. My friendship, my love, my sacrifice means nothing. Boy are things really clear. I’m sorry, Susie, to myself, for putting you through this twice now or let’s say three times. You are worth more than this. I value you and love how you are giving, loyal m, funny, fun and serve others. But, sis, not at your own expense.

A man, a real man, through in through, adores his girl so much it brings him intense pleasure to help her out, provide for her, protect her, embrace her and serve her. This is something I have nEver had. I’ve settled. For less. For abuse. For narcissistic selfish love. We loved the same person and it was him. His love was shallow and empty. You can only give what you got. And that wasn’t much. He was a taker, kept score but never was a generous giver. He owes me money. $108. For his car lubed and fluids filled. $ 50. Ticket I got in his car because he didn’t have registration papers current.

$100. Cologne for his Cal trip he asked me to get with my discount.

$35. Meal after his trip, I paid for. $30. Car wash 2x= $60. Not to mention how much of a complainer and unappreciative he was.

Numerous baseball caps, beers and meals I paid for. Not to mention the security deposit of $1000. For this apt and the last apt the landlord kept $700.

I spoke to my mom. She said don’t get bitter. I said I’m not. I forgive but I’m done. I’m angry today. Not bitter. Angry more about me settling. When people show and tell you who they are; BELIEVE them. Clues everywhere. Reality check. Shift and move.

Nothing comes from an empty cup.

Memory lane

Done this before. Done with this now.

My car broke down on Nj parkway and I was stranded for 3 hours on dark highway. He couldn’t come because he had been drinking. I got tow truck driver to take me to red roof inn for the night of which I had to pay. Paid for tow truck next morning. No Mr Nick.

I broke my thumb the morning of Ryan’s wedding and he let me sleep on couch of suite I PAID for while he slept in big king size bed. What a muuuch. Mooch. I even paid for $400. for wedding gift

I just came in from work. His car in lot. When I walked into apt, his back turned from me, bending over sweeping floor I guess. Nothing. No words. I went to restroom. And jumped into my bed to write my journal of events. He went to restroom and as quiet as a mouse; quieter than crickets. When back into kitchen or out. Who knows; who cares.

Day 7. Can home from work on Memorial Day. Sat in car on phone with my brother Danny. For about 20 min in my apt car lot when Mr Nick walked behind my car but never drove his car away. Weird. So I left to drive to Deptford AMC to finish my phone call with Danny. I texted Paris to see if she wanted to see a movie but no reply. I picked a funny movie. Got home about 9:30. His car in lot so thinking he has gone into bed; I locked top lock. Wrong. Got a phone call at 11pm with him saying top lock is on. I said I thought you were in. I got up went downstairs to unlock and open the door.

Nothing. No words. No thank you. No nothing. A big nothing.

Ask for what you want and need or you will get what you ask for…nothing !!!

Not even close. If the person you share space and air with; won’t give you the courtesy of trying to communicate, reason or care about your feelings; why are you there.

ask for what you want and be willing to accept nothing in return.

i am worth more than nothing. i am a high value woman that has not believed she was worth more than diamonds, rubies but of rubbish and ashes. God makes something beautiful and 8:28 out of my mistakes and sins and bad choices in men, jobs or decisions.

please Lord, restore to me the years I’ve had stolen, given or wasted.

day 8. a day of new beginnings. no text, no conversation, no phone call. i walked. i hung out with Paris for lunch at olive garden where we ate the lunch special with soup, bread sticks and smaller portion pasta dish. we both drank water. bill was $29.29. then off to the movies we did go. while waiting for Little Mermaid to begin; we watched and laughed at the movie i had seen the night before; my father ….

i got home about 5:30pm. took a nap. set my alarm for 8:30 but it was for AM. I got up to get ready for bed; washed face, etc.

mr. nick must’ve had a baseball game; ice was still in sink so hadn’t been gone long.

stop letting someone else put a value on you. stop settling for below par treatment.

its your life. its your choice. what do you want you life to be like. take your life back. get a new vision for your future self.

Write to one of my girlfriends

Little is much when God is in it.
My ‘friend’ hasn’t talked, texted or nothing for today being eight ‘8’ days of silence. Weird. Wouldn’t you want to Atleast lie to keep the relationship IF you cared about the person…ME? He seems to care more about a pillow to lay his head, a shower to use and a storage unit for his clothes and kitchen to have his food.
No sense out of it but touch of reality and “truth speaks even in silence. “

Day 9. Nothing. It’s my birthday I’m 22 again. That doesn’t make sense either. I walked 3.7 miles today for a total of 100 miles in May. 100X it. 100 % it. Give my best. Do the best I can. Stretch it.

Lies. I’ve believed a lie for 24 years from a user, narcissist person, I’ll refer to as Mr Nick. User extraordinaire. Speak the truth. Ask for what you want and need. Let it go. Let him go. Show him the door. But get your rent money first and money he owes you

Day 10. Judgement Day. Pay what you owe me and pay this months rent. My checking is $8. Till next pay day.

Day 11 God will take care of me. What can I sell that’s in my hand, heart and home? What problem or pain can I offer a solution or promise for to help and serve someone like me. It gets my eyes and thoughts off of myself and onto others. Gratitude and generosity are keys to becoming a better person and have impact on my little world.

At work we were talking about “where were you at and with who during big events like the earthquake, lady Di death and world trade center; I said to Maria; I was with Nick while tearing up. She just held my hand. Later she said I was a support, friend and was there for Nick for 24 years. His behavior is disappointing and we need to sit face to face and talk. I said to her; there’s no coming back from this. And all the while; he’s still sleeping, eating, showering and all that stuff you do at your home. I will be more direct and say I’m moving and you need to make plans to move to another place. If you pay $800 and pay what you owe me $350; with your California job travels; you can stay till June 30; otherwise, you can leave now.

Nothing from Mr Nick. A funny awkward thing happened about 5:30pm; I took a left turn onto Merchant Street and Mr Nick was facing my car at intersection. He was at a stop while my car turned left in front of him. He went left which is not his normal path when he goes to PJs. Odd but still awkward. Nothing at my chair at kitchen table. Bizarre

Day 12. Up early to walk the river before work at 11-5. Got manicure. Took my clothes I washed 2 days ago up to apt. Then called Rubys for massage that I’ll charge. Detox. Maybe get a library salad bar afterwards.

Day 13. No text no nothing but after getting back home from church, lunch and Instacart and goodwill trip; I find Jin’s steaks and picas pizza on kitchen table. My 2 favorite foods from Delaware county. No Mr Nick. His baseball clothes in his chair. I think he flys out tomorrow morning. For ten days in California on business. No money he owes me and No Rent yet either. I’m done. Time to move on. I have

Now he hollering in my room. I’m tired of your strong armed.

Walked into kitchen. I gave t done anything wrong. You F..Nj piece of S..t

I texted my brother. I called my daughter. He ate his dinner and went to sleep. I’m baracaded in my room with books, art and such to keep him out. Time to go. Reading articles on breaking up with toxic relationship. Hard but necessary for freedom and peace of mind.

Day 15. Woke up early. Out by 5:45 to walk as close to sunrise as possible nonnegotiable.

Thinking He was flying out today; he’s still asleep. So I quietly tiptoe out. After my walk ; I took myself to breakfast. Came back to apt and saw him in parking lot so I stopped my vehicle on the street and walked over to him. I said. The first thing out of your mouth for 24 days was “little pcs of shit” nothing else and anger. He’s turned it on me being silent with him. I said I the last thing. You never responded. he said I wasn’t talking to him. He said I was paranoid. So odd but so normal. To put the blame on me. He said he’s not even hugged a girl in a decade. I said what are we doing here. Life’s precious. He said he’s at the end of his life based on his eye hemorrhaging in four places. His eye doctor said after 5 hour testing and appt. I said live the best life you have left.

He said do you want to go to bank to get money. I said. That’s not why I stopped but yes, I need to drop off rent check today. Do you want to get a hot dog for lunch in the city? Can you take me to the airport at 6am on Wednesday? Can you put Nair for men cream and do my back before I leave?

The positive is that the money included the money he owed me for over a year ago.

I’m in bed for a quick nap before getting up at 12:30. For 2-9:40 pm close shift.

I have a farewell crush it challenges call from Pedro Adao at 1:00pm that I’m going to be on. Can’t wait. Time to actually do a challenge.

After work at 9:30pm came home. Sat at kitchen table to talk to Nick a bit before heading into bed. I’m exhausted and have a headache. Need sleep. He talked about his eye hemorrhaging in 4 spots in his blood clot vein. Not good. He’s lived 7 years since his eye stroke. I’m praying God will heal him and get the glory. I’m praying for his salvation too and that he drinks less too. It’s difficult to care for someone you know you’re breaking up with. God please take care of Nick, an orphan and has a tender heart.

Day 16 Tuesday 6/6/23. Got up early. Walked 3.7 miles. Bob Es for late breakfast. Back to apt. Nap. Thunderstorm blew in. Dinner with Nr Nick. But happy hour beers led to no dinner. Of course. It’s 8pm. No dinner. Stopped at local bar pub for roast beef sandwich.

All he had to say was what’s wrong with you.

I said so much for dinner. If you were dating someone you’d Atleast taken them to dinner but instead complain about how high the bill is for wine. Cup of soup was $5 which was good. Beers weee 3.50 each. I’m sitting in car wishing we were not a thing anymore. His friend got married at Court house before their wedding in Bahamas which

I’m Not going to.

Well. Yesterday was Fathers Day. Spent it by myself until 6 when Nick brought cooler of happy hour to river where I had just finished my 3.7 mile walk. I feel deep sadness to let go of an over 24 year friendship to do what God wants from me. Closing doors. Opening doors. Obedience. Quick obedience. It’s a letting go of the past beliefs, lies, hopes, dreams, Fantasies, illusions of what will never be. When helping you is harming me. It’s like pulling off a stuck on bandage. Severing of soul ties. Divorce of bonds made that have held you in bondage. The fear of the unknown. Staying because you don’t want to hurt him or because he’s sick or whatever it is the reason you stay. Let go of what’s holding you back from living in freedom and Liberty.

Stuttering Sue

First of all

80% of children 3-5 will stop within 12-24 months without speech therapy and almost all completely recover from stuttering.

Start with focus on Success.

“What I have to say is important even if I stutter sometimes, and it’s ok”.

“I am beautiful. I am smart.

I am kind. “

Guard against things that can set you up to stutter.

H.A.L.T

Hungry

Angry

Lonely

Tired

Sometimes people stutter; about 1% of population: 3 million Americans and 80 million worldwide.

Stutters tend to have:

High IQ

Fast thinkers; often racing thoughts.

Holds breathe when anxious so BREATHE.

PAUSE.

Stuttering is cyclical meaning it can come and go.

When people laugh (it’s more about them being uncomfortable and embarrassed or surprised and not knowing what to do or say)

Put them at EASE.

Say, “It’s ok, Sometimes I stutter, sometimes I don’t.”

“Speaking more helps you stutter less. “ Susie Smith Vaughan

Things to do that will help reduce stuttering:

Sing,

Read Aloud

Speak out loud, often

Whisper

Speak in Chorus

When they don’t hear their voice.

Make it fun. As she plays, have her talk to her dolls. And have her read to them out loud a storybook even if she makes up the words.

Sing silly songs that make you laugh.

“Private practice leads to excellence. “ SSV

How to help your child when they are stuttering:

Wait patiently until they finish what they are saying.

Don’t finish what you think they are trying to say.

Don’t tell them to hurry up, slow down or breathe.

Stuttering Anxiety is real and can be reduced by methods that are successful.

Focus on what you want to say and not on the stutter.

Stop. Breathe. Pause. Speak.

What you focus on, you turn to and become.

Focus on success. Speaking and saying what you want to say.

I was a stutterer at 9.

My dad stuttered. It’s genetic and tends to be more in boys than girls.

Stuttering can be managed. It can even lay dormant then reappear unannounced.

Dear Tori

I spoke to your mom this morning and said some of the above things. I told her I would write them out then got researching a bit. I’m sure you know most of what I’ve said. I wanted you to know how it feels as someone who stutters sometimes; so you can help your little one. Stuttering is also common in language development.

Hope some of it helps.

Three E’s of Stuttering Therapy are:

Education, Ease, Empowerment.

Love,

Susie

Always the little things

It’s always the little things that are the big things.
Little is much when God is in it.
Don’t despise small beginnings.
It’s the small foxes that spoil the vine
God only ask for 10% of your first fruits with a whole generous heart.
God is a multiplier of what we sow.

What is in your hand?
What desires are in your heart?

What are the things and people you need to let go of; in order to go all in for God?

Above all; ask for Wisdom and understanding.

Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be added to you.

Let all creation sing praise to the Lord.

When Job prayed for his friends; God hears his prayer and restored all he had lost two fold.

God is a God of 2X, 10X, 30X, 60X, 100X.
God multiplies the little seeds we sow in good soil.
Be faithful with the little and God will promote you with more.

Out of the heart, the mouth speaks.
Guard your heart; out of it flows the issues of life.

Take time to seek God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength.
Get alone with God. Be still. Be quiet. Pray today.
Start with 1 minute prayer.
No prayer too small: “God, Help me!”

Be still and a Know that God is God and you are not.

With God all things are possible.

Mend To Be: A Journey of Forgiveness

A Punch in the Gut

“Remember domestic violence is mostly hidden behind closed doors, kept secret so no one really knows.
Abusive words cutting, killing the deepest parts of the soul. Takes years to forgive and finally, let go.
All the while, a punch in the gut, a push or a shove; a bruise can heal but words live forever.
Why do they stay, you say. Love’s not enough?
It’s usually for love of their children or fear to leave and survive financially or afraid to be alone.
Only God knows: only God can heal a broken-hearted soul; a wounded spirit.
A person only knows what they want to know, sometimes.“

There once was a girl I knew very well. She was careful to keep herself pure till marriage, a virgin; a good girl that believed that God would keep her protected and give her a happy life. After the marriage vows, a fairytale wedding and a week of splendor; her dreams were dashed to the ground with a year of tears behind her bathroom door. She was stunned and disappointed; how could she had been so stupid, deceived and blindsided; now sad, stuck and confused. The control and demands led to pushes and abuse. Mental and emotional abuse should be be punished like physical abuse, as well; Atleast premeditated murder of the spirit and soul. After awhile they forget who they are; they’re not of value and start to believe the lies being told to them.

She was embarrassed and afraid to tell; to protect the abuser at her own expense. Later to find out; her first born son would take the brunt of the punishment that she should’ve protected. She was paralyzed with fear; too afraid to leave. It was her job to protect her little fella.

As years went by, she stayed and prayed. She went to therapy to try to save any last hope for the marriage. How could she be better so he would love her more. She asked him to go to counseling; he laughed at her tears.

She had a second son that rarely got punished. The first son still got plenty.

He forbid her to go with her best friend,thinking she was rebelling; she came home to find all her precious angel collectibles and jewelry smashed with a hammer. His face was white as a ghost. She had gone to bible study. She jumped in the van and took off for the road to drive and drive m; barely seeing through her tears while feeling her heart literally breaking inside. She had a brief thought to drive into the trees, off the road and it would all be over but she remembered her kids she left behind. She came back for them but her heart had changed forever.

Years went by then she had a daughter after she fell in love with another.

…more to come; for another day. Not proofread or edited.

Who Am I?

What’s in a name? Who am I? Am I what I do or who I am inside? Can a good name be lost to never be found again? Can what was lost be redeemed and restored better than it was before? I was born Annella Sue Smith on my birth certificate; then later on my social security card named Susie Smith; here lies the discrepancy. Who are you really? Said a DMV employee when trying to get my drivers license. I want a new name, not my married-divorced name, Susie Smith Offenbacker. I want my name to honor my mother’s side and father’s side each like the Spanish cultures do. So I would have to change my name legally with the courts to Susie Vaughan Smith.

Confusion is enemy to clarity. Doubled-mindedness is enemy number one to focus. Who Am I is what God wove together inside me before I was born, the substance of me. It’s the very essence of my personality, gifts, talents, innate qualities and likes and dislikes. It’s my heritage, family, culture, beliefs, environment, experiences, perceptions and religion. It’s the total sum of what makes me, me.

Who am I? I am not what people think or their opinions of me. I am not how I feel about myself. I am not the thoughts I have about me. I am not my failures or shortcoming I am who God says I am. I am valuable and precious in His sight. He knows the very essence and deepest parts of me; even my blind spots or places hidden from my knowing.

I am created with value and purpose. My life has meaning and . God sees my beginning from the end. He wrote me in His book of remembrance and nothing I have experienced surprises Him. The tapestry of my life appears a mess on the inside but God has woven it all for my good and His glory to give a living message to the little world that I call home. He has made everything that was meant to harm me for my good. God has give me Beauty for ashes. God has made everything beautiful in its time. I am beautiful on the inside out.

Fit Fam Journey

We are starting our 3rd week with our family on 8 week Edge gym challenge to get fit. My 3 children; Chris, 33, Ryan, 28, Paris, 19 and me, 60. We each individually have our own reasons to get fit but one common ground is to get fit together (with encouragement and support) and make it fun.

Thundering times

“Thunder rolling and clapping high in the clouds

Lightening flashing and lighting up the grey skies.

God’s voice has been heard in the thunder.

God’s presence has been seen in the fiery bush.

God’s protection and guidance seen in the cloud by day and fire by night when His chosen walked in the wilderness.

God’s finger has written on the wall.

God’s visions have been given

to men in their dreams.

God hears and answers prayers.

God sees you when you weep and saves your every tear in a bottle.

God roams the whole earth to see when you seek Him.

God’s inspired words have been written in the living Holy Scriptures.

God’s voice by His Words all creation was created.

God knew you before you were formed in your mother’s womb.

God looks after the widow and the orphan.

God restores what the thief has stolen.

God gives you blessings beyond compare with houses you didn’t build and lands you didn’t own.

God’s hands died for us All on Calvary by His Son, Jesus Christ.

God’s Power was seen In The Resurrection of our Savior.

And Lord Who conquered Death,Sin and the Grave for all time.

The stage is set.

The time is right.

Get Ready.

Repent and Return.

To your first love.

That loved you first.

Jesus is coming again.

Riding on the clouds.

Soon and very soon.

It could be today.

Look UP. “

Susie Vaughan

IF Time Stood Still.

If time stood still.

Where Past, Present and Future all happened at the same time.

Time stood still when God said He knew you before you were even born.

He knows your comings and goings.

He knows the number of hairs upon your head.

He knows the number of sands upon the shores.

He knows who seeks Him and searches to know Him.

He knows your name.

If time stood still. It did when Christ died. The earth shook. The sky went dark. The tears of heaven fell to the Earth. Christ bled, died a supreme sacrifice. Christ arose the 3rd day. He conquered death, sin and the grave. He holds the keys to death and Hell in his nails scarred hands.

When LOVE from Heaven came down to earth below to offer us Jesus Christ, a human sacrifice for our sins. Son of man, Son of God. King of kings. LORD of lords. Crucified Savior. Risen LORD. Heaven rejoiced. Jesus Christ will return for His own.

No man knows the hour or the day but God Himself.

Be ready… for that day is near; or almost here.

The Great Deception

A Veil of Darkness fell across the land with a deep deception that was intended to divide,

Instill doubt with an end game to destroy.

Only God in His Infinite

Love, Holiness, Wisdom and Power could change the course of the World through His only Begotten Son, the only

righteous One named Jesus Christ, the Messiah, that was born in a lowly manger, as a supreme sacrifice for all the sins of all mankind, of all time, once and for all, the price was paid on the Cross of Calvary by the Savior of the World, the Resurrected Lord who conquered death, son and the grave.

All we would need to do is to believe, receive, repent and return to God; obey, and follow Jesus Christ by reading and knowing His Word, the Holy Bible. His Promises are True.

When Love came down from Heaven to Earth as a baby. That void you feel in your deepest part of your inner heart is a void that can only be filled by God through Jesus Christ.

There’s deceptions, counterfeits and destructions in the family, church, society, and politics.

To Know the Truth, you must Know what the original looks like. Know the Author of the Bible, the Living Word of God. Know the Creator of the Universe. Know Jesus Christ, know God.

For such a time as this, you were born.

If not you, who?

Seek God with all your heart, body and soul.

To know God and make Him known.

John 3:16

Susie Vaughan